Righteous Violence (Bullying)

There's been a lot of discussion in the media in the past few months on the topic of bullies and bullying. Stories abound of teens who commit suicide because of bullying. It seems that the topic of bullying whether through physical abuse, verbal abuse, or through electronic media (texting, email, facebook) its as if the American psyche is wondering "how did we go so wrong? why are our children doing this to each other?". The fact that teens/ children (and adults) are often very cruel to each other should not come as a shock to parents. Look around you'll see that depravity unfortunately seems to be a human condition that we sometimes just can't shake out of our gene pool. Whether you approach the topic from an ecclesiastical point of view or a humanist point of view it doesn't matter that the fact that this has been going on for a very long time is evident. 


I don't claim to be an expert on childhood bullying. But having been bullied through much of adolescence and having former bullies apologize to me later in life - i think have a unique first person perspective on the issue. I can say that often we teach our children the absolute wrong things to do and that carries repercussions into life that are much more far reaching and devastating. On of those damaging piece of advice that I received was "fighting doesn't solve anything" or "just walk away". 

I beg to differ. 


In my last post on How To Survive a Massacre, Pt. 2 I mentioned noted author and psychologist on human aggression, Lt. Col Dave Grossman who during his speaking topic on "The Bulletproof Mind" he said that at the Virginia Tech Massacre, several students were found sitting in their seats dead from a single bullet wound to their head. That means that they sat and waited knowing the killer was executing people 1 by 1.

Why weren't they trying to fight back or at least hide? Grossman says we are teaching our children the absolute wrong things to do. "Don't fight on the playground Johnny" is what they have heard day in and day out. But are we seriously going to tell our teenage sons and daughters (and adult children) "don't fight back against murders and rapists!" NO OF COURSE NOT. But then why are we are teaching a double message?


According to Grossman, and I agree wholeheartedly; we must be teaching our children that the judicious use of righteous violence is not only acceptable but it is honored within society. So how do we teach judicious use of violence. I like Ron Lauinger's  3 Rules for dealing with bullies:

1. Tell the bully to stop, if he/she doesn't stop then
2. Tell the teacher, if the teacher doesn't stop it then;
3. Fight back

While, I can't be certain that fighting back always works its often the response that the bully wasn't planning for. Life changed for me when a bully in high school knocked my lunch tray out of my hands and on to the floor. Instead of just trying to salvage the moment and going on with life, I reacted, I punched him square in the face. The lunchroom teacher grabbed my arm and jerked me around asking "why I did that?" My reply was "he knocked my lunch out of my hands what am I supposed to eat now?". Its interesting that I didn't get a detention or an expulsion. 

The other interesting part about that was I wasn't bullied again. Righteous justice. 


Will that work in the school system nowadays? I don't know. With all the zero-tolerance behavior support modification (BTW how is that working?) its tough for a child to even remotely respond. And then issues of cyber-bullying which often don't include physical assault require a different tact.

But ask yourself what is the more important life lesson to teach your child? don't fight back, be a victim the rest of your life? Or if you do fight back and it is judicious we will stand up with you and go to bat for you?  I have chosen the latter with my children.


Its a rough world out there.


Stay Safe!